July 2016, we found out we were expecting our 3rd baby and in October we lost our baby. I was devastated. Nothing I did caused the miscarriage,I melted into my bed, sobbing. How would I carry on? Was it okay to move on? February 2017 got pregnant again, It was a surreal feeling. Everyday felt like I was walking on eggshells.

I knew nothing I could do could cause a miscarriage or prevent it and that became my mantra that I repeated everyday until I went for my routine scan and was told in July 2017 ‘No heartbeat almost ran mad. Carried the dead baby for another one month thinking miracle will happen.Losing a baby to stillbirth is incredibly painful. Your emotions can run from numb to angry to sad and back again.
In January 2018 God bless me with another pregnancy,this time the anxiety was much.

I feared every scan I went to, thinking, Is this going to be the last scan I see? What’s this scan going to tell me? I was living on my nerves all the time. As soon as I got into the scanning room. I explained to the photographer we ‘ had bad news in a scan previously and he was very understanding, talking us through every part of the scan. Have never felt happier or more in love than I did the day my daughter was born. My whole world changed that day just as it did the day I suffered a stillbirth. This is where I learned about the term ‘rainbow baby.

To be pregnant is to b vitally alive, thoroughly woman, and distressingly inhabited. Soul and spirit are stretched – along with body – making pregnancy a time of transition, growth, and profound beginnings .We experience birth so differently from the intimate spaces of our bodies and minds, it feels disingenuous to strike comparisons and place value judgments. Any woman who experiences the vulnerability of carrying a child in her body and bringing it earthside is heroic in my estimation.

This idea that there is a special medal danging on the tree for going without meds makes us undervalue ourselves and depreciate the ordeals we have endured.

Loss moms,adoptive moms,cesarean birth mothers.We all open.We all tear, somewhere We all both wildly embrace and struggle to embrace these experience.Women’s courage is worth celebrating.